Probably one of the best Monday’s I’ve ever had. What interesting topics should I muse upon today?
I saw my dad last weekend for his birthday! The best dad ever, really. I try to put some kind of indifference in my voice when I talk about him, but everything I’ve learned, every part of what I’ve grown to be and hope to achieve in the future. I love my mom too, of course. :P It’s kind of silly, but I kind of get the whole traditional thing about giving back to your parents, it feels nice to see the people, who’ve worked hard for you your entire life, relax and such.
So that episode is really bittersweet. Ain’t trying to spoil anything here, just completely caught off guard towards the ending, but I always love the cheesy takeaway of the episode.
Fear isn’t something to fear. You can sometimes search everything only to find that fear is not really fear at all but something conjured up in your mind.
I gots my prezzies for my new apt! Thank you~
Some really nice scented oils and perfumes. Yummy! Sadly I can’t take a picture of them.. no more Note 3. It’s a long story, if I have to talk about it, I need to be able to wave my hand and make dramatic sound effects… but I’m apparently getting the Note 4. :P
I’m literally listening to the ending of this book right now. I would totally be exaggerating if I said that I did cry and almost died on the way back from Dallas.. but I did cry. It’s such an uplifting book and frankly, really easy to read since it’s for kids.
I started rewatching it ahhh! Pam and Jim are so adorable together. *squeals*
So I reread this book’s ending and I have to conclude (SPOILERS) that Shimamoto isn’t real. Everything that the protagonist had gotten with respect to her has disappeared. There’s basically no foundation or reason for her existence. Not reason, but validation. It makes me wonder if this is like a mental hallucination where he dreams of this girl he was in love with. Shimamoto is like a reminder of the past — if taken at the context I surmised above, she literally sucked the life out of him (yes, it’s not really an euphemism) and in order to escape her or move on with his life, she had to disappear. Sure, the wife was suspicious, but nobody really interacted with Shimamoto. Even if she did appear 25 years later, I would venture to say that her real appearances aren’t that often… but I digress. :P Love this book, seriously. If I were Oprah, I’d buy a billion copy and throw it at the crowd.
Anyway, I initially wrote this to talk about this crazy dream I had but frankly, the details are slipping from me because I’m getting really sleepy. Mkay.. sleepy now, goodnight~
I said I was going to bed and when I turned on my Kindle to do a little bit of reading for “South of the Border, West of the Sun,” I was like haha fuck that and now I’m done reading it and I have to write what I think about it down before my mind blows up.
First of all — hysteria siberiana.
Maybe I’m making up patterns for concepts that do not exist, but if there’s a guy who can write fractals in story-book form, it’s Haruki Murakami. I’m going to totally spoil the entire essence of the book so don’t click read more unless you’re prepared to have an incredible book be ruined for you (because I’m so excited about finishing this book that I can’t go to bed without writing about some parts of it ahhhh).
…not! So…. I now have a Note 3. Temporary phone. Thanks to somebody who was nice enough to sell me his. :P
My iPhone is on its last leg and well, it just shut off when I transferred my sim card, so.. it looks like I just lost a bunch of people’s number… at least until it turns on again, whenever that is.
So I feel like a zombie today.. I got home so late yesterday after going to the soup kitchen to volunteer for the first time. Even though I was only there for two hours, the stories I’ve heard makes my problems sound incredibly trivial. Damn, my life’s been one really good cake. Anyway, I’m not sure I will go back though — at least to that one in particular, I was not too fond of the mindset of some of the other volunteers there. That said, even though I want it to be true that going to the soup kitchen means I’m a good person, part of me just knows that it’s, in some part, because of a vain desire to do something meaningful with my life.
Damn you, Haruki Murakami and your books! *shakes fist*
"South of the Border, West of the Sun" is a really good book. I don’t know if the freaky shit’s going to come out any time but so far it’s been normal. Just some guy who’s really lost with his life. He grew up as an only child and after parting with his only friend, he begins to go through life almost.. lifelessly. He cheats on this girl who could have had the best chance at being the love of his life (though we all know it’s the first girl he met) and after that, goes through more of his life — twelve years, where I stopped — lonely, empty, and just.. nothing.
So it sounds totally boring… but it’s not.
Underneath the mundane layers of those simplistic words — or perhaps it’s all, as always, just my imagination — I feel like this guy has somehow been able to write all the things I’ve been left thinking… and cannot voice. And this next quote, everything I’ve struggled to explain and stutter..
“I always feel as if I’m struggling to become someone else. As if I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I suppose it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself - as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to defining myself.”
Well, I think to some extent, everyone struggles with this concept. Even though it’s encouraged as we become independent beings, this kind of uniqueness was never appreciated growing up. I’m so lucky to have the friends that I have and the family that I have.
These past two weeks have not been really easy, but I still believe everything will work out in the end. 100%. Won’t be easy, but the richest and the best things in life are never easy. Worth it? Yes, every time.
— That said, crazy dream yesterday. Woke up thinking I was a manatee..
Watch a bunch of romcoms to convince yourself that this stuff doesn’t happen in real life.
Meet someone else and try intently to believe that this person could possibly replace him.
Write a letter to him detailing your feelings and never send it.
Tell yourself that it’s…
Miss him. Miss him a lot.
Spend as much time as you need, staring at your phone, wishing that he’d call.
Wonder if he’s thinking of you too.
Give yourself a moment, a minute, an hour, a day, however long you can manage, to be happy and laugh.
Miss him. Miss him some more.
During the times that I thought I would find myself alone, I was surrounded by loved ones and people who really care. Imagine my surprise when getting a call in the morning from the bigger munchkin telling me that he changed his flight destination to Texas so he can come stay with me for a week before going on his honeymoon. And then a bigger surprise when I’m driving to DFW (while desperately trying to listen to the Game of Throne audiobook) and I hear that Ivo is coming to stay with me too.
These two dudes, man, they totally rock. I wish I took pictures but sadly my phone’s deterioration has reached the camera. First the phone, now the camera. Of course, I basically left my phone home most of the time since it wasn’t even on anyway. That said, I’m fairly excited for the Note 4. It look so sexy!!
Anyway, I just got back from eating lunch with some friends. What I had been meaning to do was recount some of the really nice adventures during this week. :) Camping out in the arboretum to stargaze until 2 AM, walking around the lake, solving a jigsaw puzzle in one day, etc. I can’t think of anything else that would be better than reconnecting with an old friend.
I think somehow, I needed a lot of reminders that I’ve never been much of a damsel in distress and the feelings that I feel, no matter what, are real. Sometimes I feel like I want to shut everything down and push it all away, to care less, but the truth is, that’s the opposite of who I am. It’s interesting that all the control I seek in my life has somehow become a source of chaos for me, so I’m letting it all go.
I still have 100% faith that things will work out in the end — though honestly, for this little atheist, maybe faith is a bit too strong of a word, but I digress. Long story short, I’ve had a wonderful week with one of my closest confidant. Also, yesterday I went to midtown with such an awesome group and enjoyed some salsa~~~ It was so fun!
I’m actually really bad at not writing.
I go for a week without blogging and instead I have a bunch of notes jotted down in my handy dandy notebook, for lack of a better phase. To name a few notable notes which have instilled action on my part, because I don’t want to take pictures of the embarrassing ones:
And of course, my journal is practically filled up with doodles and thoughts I find too lonely to tell anyone else.
That said, I just got back from NOLA.
What a lively city, aside from its Bourbon street. The Frenchiness is overwhelmingly adorable. If not for the stench, I would totally forsake my dislike of living in the city to well… live in the city. I really enjoyed the food and it was almost surreal to walk down the sparingly lit streets while jazz music streams out from various bars, even more so when one is intoxicated by hard cider. There were fortune tellers sitting around the churches, waiting for someone to want to know about their future. There were art shops and antique furniture shops and book shops everywhere, and if there weren’t haunted tours at each corners, there would be someone singing or performing music. When you don’t feel like walking, you can sit down, have some beignets and coffee and chat with your friends. It’s like being in a city suspended from a reality stricken by responsibilities and obligations.
It was a really nice hiatus from life.
I know that half of my weekend was spent with my mind somewhere else, and I’m still crossing my fingers, but I think it will work itself out somehow. I’ve never found myself so confident about something I’ve never fully conquered. I’ve been thinking about a few things and realized that the time I’ve spent worrying about the things I’ve been worrying about is half-wasted.
Wasted because I realized I shouldn’t have to worry about that in the first place. I will find what I need to find or want to find. Partly not wasted because I wouldn’t have come to this conclusion otherwise.
I’m not afraid of making the wrong decisions.
I’m afraid of not being able to see that I’ve made the wrong decisions, for a long time.
I count on my hands the people I have to lose when in reality, I have to trust that those people will stick around for me in the first place and in the long run.
But that aside, I should get to bed now. My worry-fest is over for now, I have work stuff to think about tomorrow.